I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
