I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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