I cannot find my penis.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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