my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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