i don't plan on having that self control this summer
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
