Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
