i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
