im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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