Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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