I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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a search helicopter?!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
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I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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