do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
