Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
