You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
he was CRYING into my vagina
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
