i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
