Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
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