I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
