so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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