You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
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I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
40s are totally the cure
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At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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