So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
