He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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