she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
