dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
