so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
