I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
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she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
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I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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