the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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