just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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