Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
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Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
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Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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