Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
