I swear she didn't look like that last week.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
