I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
