Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
