Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
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the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
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She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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