My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
