he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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