pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
