I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
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I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
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I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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