if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
sex in a hospital.. check
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
