You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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