I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
