i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
