I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
