dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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