This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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