He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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