literally had 100 drinks last night.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
