You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
