i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
