So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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