Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
