there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
