The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Who wears a wallet chain?!
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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