just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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