Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
