I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
