Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
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I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
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He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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